Saturday, April 11, 2009

Nothing Says "I Love You" Like Food Poisoning

Growing up, 8th and 9th grade, my best friend and I had a routine every week. Friday night we'd spend the night at one house, staying up late, being goofy, playing games, watching David Letterman. Saturday night would be at the others house, same thing, watching Saturday Night Live. We always got pizza from Dominos, only Dominos, both nights. Back then it was two large one topping pizzas for ten bucks. We always got pepperoni, only pepperoni. We also would get an 8-pack of Coke in bottles for both nights, four for Sean, four for me. Remember returnables? Coke tasted better in glass. We'd eat one and a half pizzas probably, all four cokes, and leave the remaining pizza in the box on the stove to sit over night to be eaten for breakfast. No, we never refrigerated it. My Mom was horrified! I'm not kidding, we did this for two years, 90% of the weekends in that time. And not once did I ever get sick on the leftover pizza.

In college I did the same thing, except I left the pizza on top of a gas stove. Boy was I smart putting a cardboard box right above gas pilot lights. But this kept the pizza a little warmer and gave a soft pliable pizza and a neat congealed cheese the next morning that was oh so tasty. Again I never got sick on left over pizza.

I've eaten raw oysters as long as I can remember. Love 'em! Belly up to the bar at Acme's or Felix's (I like Felix's better). Dinah treated me to a birthday treat by taking me to Apalachicola just to eat as many as I could. Never gotten sick on oysters.

My ex-mother-in-law gave me food poisoning three times though. First time I vividly remember being leftover clam dip, one of my favorite treats. I think the second time was coleslaw or pasta salad. Can't remember the third. All three times I never threw up so much in my life. I threw up until there was nothing left to give and still I continued to heave. The first time I went to the hospital and the ride over there was brutal. Every bump made me heave again and I was having second thoughts about getting help. All three times I just wanted to die, just to make it stop.

I often hear people say they think they have food poisoning, their stomach is a little queasy. No, you don't. If you aren't praying for the end, it's not food poisoning. Food poisoning is brutal, not uncomfortable.

I experienced a new form though last night.

Dinah often has outside vendors bring in lunch. On Thursday she called wanted to know if I wanted her to bring the leftovers home for dinner. Hell yeah, you don't have to ask if you can bring home food. I can at least eat it for lunch if we don't eat it for dinner. So she brought home some left over club sandwiches and chicken tenders. It made a good dinner. And within an hour, my stomach was upset. But I wasn't praying to die. I wasn't nauseous, so I wasn't worried. I had the remainder for a late breakfast Friday morning.

And then it started. Never was I nauseous but I did have pain in my stomach. Almost like an incredible hunger pain or acid reflux. I had an appetite and no problem eating. We even went out to dinner last night. But I was shitting my brains out. I didn't sleep at all last night, it was every 10-15 minutes. After I started the third roll of toilet paper for the day (and these are mega rolls of Charmin) I wasn't praying to die but I was definitely praying for something.

I asked Dinah, did the leftovers go into the fridge after lunch or did they sit on the break room table all afternoon until time to go? They sat for a while, maybe an hour and a half. Dammit. There's basically a two hour window starting from the time the food came up at the restaurant. Oh well, it's not her fault, based on what I had someone at the restaurant is probably sick and didn't wash their hands well.

So let that be a lesson to ya'll, put those leftovers in the fridge right away.


Brook said...

You poor poor guy. I have only had food poisoning once and yes, if you aren't praying for death it ain't the real thing. Top or bottom-it'll get you one way or another. Good news! A glass or two of red wine can kill the germies responsible for stomach woes, so Drink Up! Unfortunately beer is not as effective. I don't remember the verdict on liquor. Oh well. I do hope you are feeling better.

Lauren said...

I LOVE the Sean story - I can totally picture you two in full force pizza action. Food poisoning sucks, although at this point I tell my friends "I'm only 1 stomach bug away from my goal weight!". It's really the only benefit. I'm a glass half full kinda girl.